Lao Wai, the Old Foreigner

I guess it's been a while since my last post, and part of the reason is because I realized you guys are probably getting a bit tired of "Guess how hard it was to buy a ____!" stories, which meant I actually had to do something new. So this time, I thought I would mix it up by recollecting a few of the funny moments that came about by virtue of the fact that I'm not from around these parts, but were too minor to include in any of my epic shopping stories.


While gawking at the merchandise in a store (hydraulics) one of the workers asked if he could get a picture taken with me. That's how novel foreigners are sometimes.


Many times I have asked people where something is and received a completely incomprehensible reply. So I would just walk in the direction they pointed and turn out of sight a short distance away.


I always eat the same old thing, so, in pursuit of new food, I walked into a restaurant that I had never been to before. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to sit at a table of my own accord, if a waiter was supposed to give me a table, or if I should go up to the counter and order it for myself. So I stood in the doorway for a few seconds, staring at everything, then I turned around and left without saying anything. This happened twice.


I was trying to order some breakfast muffins that were half a Kuai a-piece; I told the lady I wanted ten. Somehow, she thought I wanted ten Kuai worth of muffins, so she gave me twenty. I ate seven.


Before my Chinese was as good as it is now, I got in a cab and told the driver I wanted to go to Walmart. He asked me something, along the lines of "which Walmart." I think I said whichever. He kept asking me, so I got out of the cab. But he was still talking, so I got back in and asked him again and tried to say it was near a certain mall. He was still confused, so I got back out of the cab and went back to my dorm to get more specific directions. I ended up taking the bus.


On my way back from my first visit to the tailor, I wasn't sure which bus to take, and I didn't want to spend money on another cab, so I started walking back the way the cab had come from, looking for a familiar bus line. I ended up walking all the way back to the school. Next time I visited the tailor, I realized that one hundred yards in the other direction was a bus that went directly to the school.


I have no idea how my phone works. Once, after getting off the phone with my family, I received a text that was littered with the word for money preceded by small numbers. I though it was warning that I was almost out of data. I showed it to a translator at the office. She told me it was an advertisement.


During a fitting for my suit, the tailor asked me a question containing the word for rest. I said that I had been resting today, because I have not had classes. After recorded the adjustments he would need to make to the suit I was buying, he asked me if I wanted to stay and chat, again using the same word for rest. I said I couldn't stick around because I had a class to teach. I realized on the bus back to the school that the first question was actually "Do you want to chat after the appointment?" and my reply roughly translated to "Sure, I have no class." Less than thirty minutes later I said "Sorry, I can't hang out; I have a class."


I was once told that my usage of chopsticks was as awkward as the speaker's usage of English. I am uncertain how to feel about this.


Collectively, I have spent more than three hours trying to figure out how to use the washer and dryer. They are labeled in Chinese and like to turn off to conserve electricity.


I discovered that the word for baking soda also means yeast. I need a new pancake recipe.


During a Chinese lesson, I learned that green hats are taboo in China because the word for green hat sounds just like something else. After that class, I visited the night market and happened to find a hat I liked. It took me twelve hours to remember that lesson. I've since found a new lid.

My tutor did assure me that the hat is appropriate,
but after learning what "green hat" means, I'm not taking any chances.
The character on the front means handsome or cool.

Soon after arriving in China, I was vocally surprised at how conservative their selection of soda is. I found out later that they have more carbonated fruit drinks than I have ever seen in my life.


Upon hearing the Chinese name of one of the other teachers at the Kindergarten, I remarked that there were several similar sounding names in English. One thing lead to another, and her English name is now Beyonce.


During a Chinese class about personality traits, my teacher asked me to describe the personalities of myself and my family. After consulting the dictionary on most of the words that I used, we found that almost all of them had negative connotations when translated directly. Evidently, the only way a Chinese woman could be described as pragmatic is by marrying a rich dude.


After a tutoring session, my student took me to dinner, and his older sister joined us. I found out she is my age. Then she asked how American parents feel about their young adult sons getting girlfriends while abroad.


I spent five minutes asking if I should do anything with my bowl when I was done eating at a small restaurant. Nope. Just leave it on the table and walk away. But then please come back and pay for your meal.


I hope this provides some insight into how things get awkward sometimes.